Don't you wish you knew what we were laughing at?

Too bad, its friends only, or
comment to be added and read the crazy shit.
(Pun intended.. :)

Dear God,

Please don't let me crumble. Please, Please help me.  I don't know who or what else to turn to...and while this is pretty much done out of the moment of panic, I don't want to become the shadow of my past. I guess only You and I know and hold the reigns.
God, I don't know if you are real in a sense of the creator of every being on this earth or rather there is just this inner conscience of the universe that rules this place, but well, if there is a God I am so fucked up right now and I need to know what I need to do to make things right again.  So while, I know you probably don't really like me being skeptical about your existence, please still be with me.
Thanks God,

TJ

 There is no right. There is no wrong. There is only What Is. 
What "is" has no judgement, it simply does what it does. It does what it is meant to do. It is made with intention based upon the atoms that create it. If the atoms don't do whatever the intention of the object is, then it cannot fulfill its purpose. (obviously, like a defective battery) A battery's purpose is to energize, send electrical power to make things work. If one atom is out of place, then the battery wont work )(you can't have two negative sides or two positive sides. There has to be a negative and a positive; a balance)
If one thing went wrong, billions of years ago, there would be no life today. There is a balance to the universe. (For every term there is an opposite) Man-female etc.
Everything has a fate, a purpose to fulfill. There is synchroncity in the universe, because without it, there is no life. 
Whether it be Gods will (intention) or not everthing has a set motive, a set intention
and humans get focused on things that divide our intentions (that is why we have become so 'complex' )
We work to get a Benz and then work 10 years to pay it off.
Obviously we our working for our possessions.
We don't own our possessions. Our possessions own us. 
That concept has become overly clear to me in that last two days. 
We base our economy on divided intention. Without those guys that put so much money into the economy by buying a Benz or whatever, our economy would undoubtedly fail. 
But wouldn't it be nicer if there was no money at all?
As long as we are fed, hydrated and sexually satisfied we could be happy individuals? Why, seriously, does a Benz make someone happier? Because he has a nice car to show off? 
Psychologically we don't need these things. 
My dogs were the happiest creatures on earth. When they left the house, they took nothing with them, maybe a toy.
When we leave our houses we have clothes, purses, credit cards, cell phones...yet we need anti-depressants.
A dog gets depressed when his owner leaves. Not when they take away his favorite toy. 
All I need is food, drink, sex and friends.

She makes me do really bad things. And I always enjoy doing it.

Can you be conceited and depressed at the same time.
I am your proof.

Gosh I am such a cocky mother fucker.
Who in Savannah wants to hang out...maybe get drunk, powder our noses, make babies.
Forget who we are for a night of manic luxury. Make some memories that even if we do terrible things, we won't remember; we'll be intoxicated.
You dont have to know how to handle yourself. or how to handle me. (I cant handle myself)


CMON I WANT TO DO A LITTLE LIVING BEFORE A LITTLE DYING AND EVERYDAY I FEEL A LITTLE CLOSER TO DYING!

There comes a point in everyone’s life where you just know something has got to change, something has got to give. Or you realize the things you thought were left in the past, you never really took care of in the first place. It seems like I keep making mistakes whenever I say, “I’m going to change this aspect of my life.” I feel like shit over and over after I do it. I have to keep my promises to myself. I thought I was done grieving and I never really did grieve in the first place. I thought I had figured out who I am and now I’m full of new questions all just because of events that keep happening, causing feelings I can’t understand. I thought I knew what I wanted to happen and when it starts happening I get upset because it takes away from the things I want to keep. My answers are dead and my trust is rare. To be honest I just feel lethargic, I feel useless. I don’t want to invest in things. I want to catch up on sleep, but when bedtime comes, I am not sleeping. I am on the phone. I am writing in my journal. I am thinking. I am talking to God. I have a constant dull headache that loves to form into a crucial pain in my head, in my neck, in my stomach and in my ear. I don’t want to be here, be this anymore. I want relief.
I have a fear. No shit? I fear relapsing, having an episode. Its been so good and now that I am back in school, the stress is coming back. Making sure people take my work seriously...its not working. I relieve my stress by being a sarcastic mother fucker, through cynical jokes and its the root of all my stress because in doing that..people don't think I am serious about myself, what I do.
It sparks new issues and they only grow bigger because they are being sat on, not solved. DIOGJADOASLGJD FOR CHRISSAKE!
I expect this year to be bitchin
What the fuck is happening again?
NO, NO, I have made my mind up. My attitude..I just have to set it straight. I want an ativan
I blame the night I missed my dose. I BLAME it for all of this happening...sobbing like there is no tomorrow. Bringing shit to the surface.
If anyone is reading this, ask me very VERY personal questions. I dont care what, or how many, but I feel like I have secrets all over again and I just don't want that. I want You to know Me.

I'm officially back in Savannah...does anyone care? Oh yeah and when I got here I was chased by a headless chicken...but since it was headless I don't think it was actually chasing me because what would he see me with? Actually, I was reading about how its not a myth chickens can survive headless and there was this one chicken who I believe set the record of 18 months. (The survival parts of their brain are in like a membrane in their neck or something scientific like that.) The first thing I want to do is Rock the Casbah and cruise River street. I need to pay the musicians a visit. On a night of drunken revelry I gave one a twenty dollar tip. Luckily 20 was all I had or I would have given more. ...and that same night I threw horse feces at a cop. (just in case...I dont carry horse feces around on me. I took it out of the bucket that buggy drivers put on their horses butts) I dont really know why. But besides the point, like I was saying, I want people to take me seriously this year so that my work will be taken seriously and I'm going to be a legend for my art, Not my jokes or stunts or 'craziness'. Thats what this is year is all about. Setting the record straight.
I'd like to be left with something interesting. ..And just to say if you dont have anything interesting, fine, but those of you have never had anything at ALL to say, your cluttering my friends list..heres your chance to say whatever the hell you want. It doesnt even have to be real. And if you refuse, then I will be forced to exterminate you and spread your ashes amongst the land of my fallen enemys...ya know.

How can I say this...last night:
Hayley: When are you leaving for Savannah?
Me: Jan. 5th
Hayley: I wish you didn't have to go back.
Me: I want to. I want to finish school.
Hayley:.....(long pause)...I hope we don't lose contact...Do you have any feelings for me?-Because I have feelings for you, ya know.
Me: (laughing at this unfortunate fate.) Why did you wait 3 weeks before I leave to tell me this?
Hayley: But do you?
Me: Of course.
Hayley: Why didnt you tell ME before?
Me: I think your too good for me. Your out of my league.
Hayley: I've liked you since I met you.

And that was that. I think God made it this way because if I had dated her during that time in P.C..I wouldnt have wanted to go back to school.

And then I was given a clear opportunity to kiss her. And I didnt...out of respect for her. Hayley is the type of girl you date, not a quick fix kiss/sex and your out. I cant just give her a kiss and then leave for Savannah with no possibility of being able to date her...

And I left it like this.."if our paths meet again, then it was meant."
I let go of this girl I've been dying to hold ever since I saw the Cover Band play. Months ago. Well..that sucks but I'm not basing my life on girls anymore. Its all about me now. I'm flabbergasted...haha I like that word.

In case anyone is interested in buying me a Christmas present I would like the Soundtrack to Pirates of the Carribbean. The music in that movie is incredibly ...(fill in the blank)...
I love it.

BTW a stranger told me I have a beautiful smile today. That was awesome.
I hope it wasnt a hallucination...lol...
good night

Every damn night I hear the ambulances ride on out from the hospital. NEVER EVER LIVE NEXT TO A HOSPITAL.
all you hear is sirens and helicopters. It makes me feel like I'm living in a shitty place.
I really dont live in a shitty place. (minus Zeus because he likes to forget to flush the toilet every night so his shit sits in the toilet all night and then he expects me to get down and clean all the damn poop stains off of it.)
I can rant about Zeus forever but the majority of the time I'll stay out of his way, vice versa.
I've been feeling like I need a good rant. I've got negative energy built up and I think its getting closer to exploding if I dont release some. I've seriously began thinking about going back to school next semester. I have some kind of weird confidence that when my professors see some of the work I did on my "break" they will want me back in the classroom.
My portfolio is flourishing. My head is clearing up. My creativity is peaking. and mostly just that confidence of who I am, what I can do.
Really what has been bothering me is just not being able to feel close to people and to connect with people on an emotional level. Like with Ally or my brother, I could read their thoughts and we could have conversations without saying 1 word. Then I had Natalie Ross Julie and I was really close with them too.
I think its because I never hid anything from them, vice versa..
But I cant just meet people here and be like "Hi I'm TJ and let me tell you my life story and we'll be best friends." I used to feel like I shared a BOND with -maybe not many-but at least 10 or so people..and now I have no bonds with anyone. I want to bond with someone. That sounds creepy.
"Hey, wanna bond?" ....lol
In all reality here, I'm desperate to share my life with someone other than just myself, but in attempting to create relationships I destroy them because ...heres the turnaround...I'm afraid of getting or being attached (to.) I dont want to invest in people who will use me or take advantage of me. I dont want to feel emotions that someone else doesnt feel back and I dont want someone else to feel emotions that I dont feel back.

I keep missing ..Ally for instance- more like I keep missing how I felt around Ally and I cant recreate it with anyone else- or I havent been able to because when I do I silently start thinking "Damn Ally doesnt do shit like that." or "That's an Ally-and-TJ thing."
Know what I mean?
I am missing my Vermont friends and no one has come even close to what I had with them.

Ally should be here around 9 and I have every intention of becoming a fish tonight...yep, I have a $20 and I'm super in debt but you know, I just dont give two shits about it right now I feel like soaking up cheap alcohol and talking about the good times I (used) to have with Ally and I'll probably do something stupid but I like how stupid stuff makes her laugh. Stupid stuff used to make Cayla laugh before she got anal and looked at me like a mental patient.
I have every intention of wasting away the soberness of a fucked up reality. lol yes thats me, lets fucking party.

No, I dont want to be a drooling pathetic bum, I just want to make someone smile, laugh. Because it makes me feel good, important, liked.
You know what people dont understand? INTENTION. People do things with intention of another thing. I'll tell you my intentions. I dont have a deep dark secret anymore, what you see is what I am, but what you know is so much less. Yes, I have a beautifully corrupt mind but its not a secret. I'll gladly tell you what you are inside of me. Inside every one of us is something you never stop to think about, thats why you dont know its there. What were you when you were five years old? You were a fucking five year old.

STOP HOLDING SECRETS, STOP TELLING YOURSELF LIES TO MAKE UP FOR ALL YOU LACK, STOP PRETENDING AND START BEING.
And if people don't like you, than you have yourself, the most precious person to you. Who else was with you this whole time? (your whole life?)
uh no, dont say God. God is something learned. If I didnt know it was God, I'd call God a force or a power, a tug on my soul; thats what God is to me. A tug on my soul. Which direction should I take? Insticts and gut feelings tell you. God is your instinct. You are your own God in a way. God is your inner voice in your head, "Dont touch the hot stove" And if you do? Satan didnt tell you to, your just a big headed dumbass. I've been a dumbass.
I wrote about how at 16 I was old enough to know not to touch the damn stove and you know what my inner voice told me to do? "BURN YOURSELF ON THE STOVE YOU FOOL" And I did. Where was God? That wasnt God telling me to do that WHAT THE FUCK reality is what you make it. others see their reality and what a relief it is to know..ha you cant see my reality. you cant you cant and you know what? Its not a fucking secret.
I have no strength against the power of "God", "Satan"...I have no strength against the power of my conscious, the power of myself, the power of the spiders that invade and poison my mind. Why? I have no power myself. I have no freedom. I have no control. Speak against me but I cannot defend myself. I've dwindled to the perception of TJ to others but I'm only the feeding groud of evil. And that is something someone would say, "Crazy" to but what if I was the truth? Every man struggles. Somewhere buried is TJ and he has to fight the evil to surface.
Welcome, TJ to earth, heres $20, what are you going to do?
Why, I am going to consume as much alcohol as 20 bucks can get me.

I am one. We are many, but in the end it doesnt really matter who we are.

And now I have 30 min. to get ready to see the only person I ever wanted to let inside of me.

I never wanted to be with someone who was weaker than me. I can't be your leader, I'm only TJ MacMillion, former prodigy of art and music. I used to be called Eccentric. Now I'm ill. I used to be the captain of cross country and track. Now its hard to run when I don't even know how to walk anymore. Now I am taking "baby steps" Theres nothing more depressing than remembering, at that age, where I thought I would be today, just to see myself on the other side of the page. Totally unexpected. I was going to go to SCAD and I was going to become the best artist you ever dreamed of. I was going to master than dark room and be the God of paintings.
I cant believe what I turned out to be. Jobless. Thousands of dollars in debt. 1 year of college education but a journal of how many damn doorknobs there are in my house, how many clocks and watches I own and where, how many tiles were on the kitchen floor. (Goddamn what will that do for me?) Here is what I am (now) and what I was and what I can't be but just long for the freedom, for the control, as opposite as that sounds, to just be the person I was making. Your parents will tell you, "You can be anything you want to be." But I havent been able to. And that is a lie. My life is big ass joke and I'm the punchline and everyone else is laughing at me, and at my life. Yes, your laughing and your torturing because you've slowly starting reaching your goals and your moving forward and I want to say I hate you but I dont, I admire you. I admire you and I'm jealous of it. I hate the fact that nothing holds you back. And I dont even know how to handle whatever holds me back, or whatever is in my way. I know what I want, I know where I want to go and I know what I want to do but why can't I get it, get there, and do that? Why can't I erase all the bad, or paint over it all? Josh has left for Vermont. Guess what? He has been going to University of Vermont for 3 years now. Guess what? He's actually going to become a doctor. Guess what? He can run faster than me and he never stepped foot on the track.
Why am I in last place now? It makes me want to step on people just to be taller. Just to be taller than someone who was underneath me in the past. I say I hate my past, but its not true. I hate who I am now. Its not the past I regret. Its right now that I hate.
Whats
the
point?
I'll keep striving and keep falling and I'll be the underdog when I know I had potential to be the hero....or at least average.
And I want to say fuck it but every time I say fuck it I have to say, "Alright I'll try again" and I'm tired of having to try it again.

The only times my head is feeling close to clear is morning. If you got something to tell me, tell me in the morning. I am treatment-resistant. Its got to be fact.
I love people who have intellectual conversations with me. Well, conversations about the universe, time, space, distance, gravity.
I should have been an astronaut. Or an astronomer. Is that a word?

I hate how opportunities arise (for me) but they are the ones that interfere with life goals and what I had PLANNED on doing. I'll detail this more later.

I'm suppose to be in in an hour (doesnt that confuse you when people say stuff like "in in" or "that that"?)
So I must wake thee beastly sleeping brother to drive me in the moving machine.

lol what the hell? Was that a good mood spark?
peace

It's gotten so much easier to write, or talk to my doctor, about how I feel. No you dont understand how much easier. I used to not be able to even write out the forbidden "S" word. And now I'm writing about it everyday and the part of me that worried about outside stimuli now says, "fuck you, dumb internet people. I can just delete you." I wish I could delete more things than comments I don't like but you know how life goes.
Whoever, however I got to this point of being able to freely talk about such issues thank you very much its made me life just that much easier.
And if I have to lose things on the way of admitting, of talking about it, than I guess I'll just give up on those people or things because who wants fake support? who wants people holding them back? who wants to suck down the truth and hide behind a disguise? FUCK YOU PEOPLE. Yes, FUCK YOU PEOPLE if you turn your head every damned time and said, "oh shit just send em away again so we dont have to put up with it. Just fix it quick."
FUCK YOU. And I dont want to see you when I am alright anyway bitch.

Yes, I love you brother Joshua and baby Cayla. Your support is the most confusing shit in the world.

Everyone else can sit there and chant the word mania or some dumb word to describe something that they dont even know the DEFINITION of. Fucking idiots.

Alright not to be mad but to give thanks for freedom of speech. Freedom of thought even if its all messed up and not comprehensive (to you). Cayla says, "mumble jumble" thats a better word than mania anyway. She says, "to powder your nose" and she says that I make up words like "twurves" (twists and curves)
and SO WHAT?
ohhhh this is such a ramble about nothing, but wouldnt you rather me sit on my ass and type some mumble jumble rather than go kick a dog?
Judgement day and I'm the judger you big fucker. Fuck you I can zap you out of reality.


I'm in mumbo jumbo debt.
LAuren and Josh are going to fuck soon. I cant wait to say told you so. Karen is a lesbian. Cayla is a horn dog and I eat it up.
Dont speak to me.

i thought i updated but maybe it was just a dream. it didnt rain pee when i went sky diving. cayla just jumped out of the damn plane like it was nothing. i was thinking 'someone hold my hand!!????' i would have been the last to jump but josh wanted to make sure id do it so he went last lol and they had to circle around like twice before i actually jumped. but once i did and my chute was all open i was fine. i felt my balls crawl up into my insides and my stomach in my throat but i definately loved it. theres nothing like jumping out of a plane to entertain yourself. i want to do it again. the water in panama is so much nicer than the other side of florida. i wonder why the water is a totally different color though. northeast florida its all murky and you cant really see much in it but here i can see my feet in the water and its really blue like they put food coloring in it. ive told myself a million times that i have made the right decision when i got into florida the first night we were here i slept for 6 hours straight without waking up and without flippin out. thats freaken good compared to how i hadnt slept in like 5 days. The Bayview hospital hjere wanted me to fuckin take a tranquilizer, Mellaril, before i went to sleep lol but i havent used it cus ive been sleeping alright without it. i cant focus enough to finish this stupid thing.

Kids take psychoactive drugs for the thrill of a different reality. Mental patients take anti-psychotics to know what everyone else's reality is. wtf is wrong with this?

ok a billion questions: A billion of my thoughts: Written down because what the hell am I suppose to do with them after I think them anyway?

I can't believe that there is NOT something after earth when I feel that impending force/thought/energy/power floating over me. (on those occasions I feel like that.)
We have a greater purpose (?) For earth? For after earth? For both?
Do we need to focus on now? or on after earth? (both?)
"Dont waste life worrying about whats after it." (But I'm not worrying..I'm pondering. And besides the fact....

Its my obsessive thought...and...
If it wasnt important than why would I (ANYONE) even think about it?

Sometimes I think, feel,: HOLY SHIT! there is so much the world offers us, the world offers us more than we can even grasp. (we cant endure all on earth!...)why do we focus on the bad parts? why wont we use all our energy for the good and drop the bad?

We cant escape the inevitable. its unavoidable. But look at you have missed during this stagnation...during the time you took (lost) to make up (to cope) with it.

Where does death bring us to? What defines DEATH// not a beating heart..but spiritually...When we "die" we become alive...when we "die" do we "live" again- in another dimension. Are my thoughts apart of my soul? Or is it only my feelings. (is there a difference?) it matters!

All space...all the universe- but if there is more than 1 universe in 1 space that contracts and expands- like breathing-
WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE TERM FOR SPACE? (every word has an opposite. whats the opposite for outer space? not inner space...thers a place. IS IT ANOTHER DIMENSION?) a dimension we cant explain? our minds dont have the capacity to understand its depth.
but do we know its there? do 'they' have a different god? do we have a god? are we our own gods? our own souls..

You know when people have "near death experiences" they say "I traveled down a dark tunnel with light at the end.

maybe there souls LITERALLY and really dooo travel down "The Black Hole" or a worm hole in space...the black hole...a long tunnel with light at the end (because it sucks in light too. it sucks in time and space. ) it warps it all together. wouldnt it make sense? could that not be a scientific explanation?????

I get too lost in these thoughts. I merge into them. Thats all I really am. In another world where thoughts have form, shape and color..
Why am I (do we) ask (the same) questions that have been asked for centuries before us. why are there no answers. only opinions.

if you believe it, than its real. because whatever you know is your only reality. you cant choose what you know. but you can explore...and if you believe what you explore or enjoy it..than youve created "fantasy" (why isnt THAT the dictionary definition?" just because something isnt in your life (your reality) DOES NOT MEAN ITS FANTASY. its fucking real even if you cant see it because no one has ever offered me explanations that are relevant b/c honestly know one sees it from my point of view.

God has played as a narrator for me but I dont need someone to tell me what I AM doing. God- I believe is real. God is your inner voice. God is your conscience. Your.."ego"..kinda.

Just one more thought. hahaha thought.

Do we form words to EXPLAIN our thoughts? or..do we think in words? ..a little of both..

i think. cus sometimes when Im "thinking" I'm having a visual rememberance...but its not words. but weve made up words to explain them. ..but sometimes i consciously know im thinking "DAMN THAT FUCKER."

ok I feel 50x better now that all this is out of my head. sometimes its gets really cluttered.

Thank you LJ for being my toilet seat for me to take all my shit out in. (out in..lol is that an oxy moron?)

For being the record of every thought I ever thought.

I failed my drug test and anything bad that could have happened because of that pretty much did. I was so fucking pissed.
en that doesnt really make sense because its my fault but I dont really care anyway right now.
I'm making crab legs at Karen's right now and she and Cayla and Lauren are in Florida but she called me earlier to tell me its raining so I'm not missing anything.
I'm seriously indulging myself in anything I want right now. If anyone cares the best recipe for butter for crap legs is..
onion powder
garlic powder
olive oil (or canola)
and butter.

But it takes forever to get big bowls of water to boil.
hahaha

Came across the opportunity to run myself over with the beautiful pills with oc written on them ahhh nothing but the best
and I have nothing better to do tonight than have crab legs down these beautys and chill myself out cus i dont have a babysitter and i dont have to worry about anything right now...
my dinner is ready.

fuck the government and fuck people with white coats haha

I have to take a drug test tomorrow morning and I'm going to fail it. I've been slamming down water. Does anyone have any suggestions? And I'm not paying $40 for a stupid drink. I haven't smoked in over a week. This sucks. I dont know; I seriously don't see why America makes it illegal. I just hope that if I fail it my doctors and stuff don't find out. That could be an issue.

There is a huge tear in my mouth (the inside of my cheek). The tear starts at the back of my mouth and ends near my lips. I dont know how I got it.
Does anyone sometimes feel like their heads are spinning before they fall alseep? On a few occassions I feel like my head..or my eyes..something...are swaying or spinning (but not all they way around) just back and forth really quick. Like its vibrating or shaking. I'm not complaining. I'm just stating.

When I get upset, I lay down on the floor, on my back and stare up.
Is there a God? I'm not trying to make this sound weird its just whats on my mind. I haven't eaten in two days. I'm not hungry.

Saturday night I got two hours of sleep. You know when they say "all night long." Well yeah the sex was seriously all night long. And now my condom stash is gone. Than last night I got three hours. I just didnt fall asleep. I kept thinking that I needed to drink more water. So I kept drinking water and waking up having to piss. So finally I got tired of it so I sat on the porch and started reading Harry Potter (again).
I wonder why squirrels hop. When they hop their tails and body move in opposition to each other so it looks like a wave. lol...

Leave me something to laugh about.
like larry the cable guy.
"There was two hunters. The hunter with the gun told the other that he could see the mans wife with another man. The man said "aww I've had enough of her. Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the privates." So the hunter replied, "Well I can do that with one shot."'

I'm seriously crazy. (haha) I SIGNED UP FOR A SKY DIVING PREP CLASS! And this summer, Good God!, I'm going to be free falling (and probably pissing my pants...haha its raining pee lol jk.)
If you pray, please pray that I don't freeze up and die or something. Thanks, its appreciated lol.
(Oh and today is 6.6.6 Yea..but I dont really give a shit though)

So I have no plans for visiting home, even though if an opportunity arrises I will take it. For the next two or three weeks I'll be living in Karen's apartment which really sucks because she is going to analyze my every move and then open her big fat ass mouth to Cayla and say, "Your boy is (insert something negative here)"
So even though its nice shes letting me stay I do not plan on being all sugar sweet for her. And..after that Cayla's parents beach house (sweet). at the gulf in florida. (nice) plenty of alcohol. (very nice). My brother is coming down too so that'll help because it'll be me, Cayla, and her fucking fat mouthed friend, Karen and Lauren. - and then Josh and I know that they'd respect em because who doesnt?

And I'm in a great mood, yes, hold onto it because nothing good lasts forever. (And I'm actually hungry) So I think I'm going to scafe and eat. goody. haha
I used a shit load of parethesis. Not that it means anything but I'm just saying.
Ok Off to live the day!

so my mother called me to tell me that she wants me to set up an appointment at my school for "academic advising" lol yea right.

My fingers are raw like sushi from playing the old six string.. I'm not going to play again until friday. And I can't believe I really haven't eaten since Saturday night.. Cause I didn't know if I was actually going to go through with it and well I am, 2 more days, and I'm getting used to "feeling hungry." At random times my stomach just growls for food and then, if I drink water or something it stops.

And I was just kidding I wouldnt kill anyone.

I hate how I lay in bed at night and I think I'm sleeping but I open my eyes (cause I'm thirsty or something) and I notice that I've been laying borderline between conscious and unconscious for the past hour. Its like I know I'm not sleeping, but I definately wasn't fully awake...Does anyone else do that too?
I had a ..dream that I was being chased by a swarm of bees and that I was listening to that guitar solo called ..I think its called.."The Flight of the Bees"...yea it was weird. But it wasn't a dream at the same time. whatever no use in trying to explain something that people just rolltheir eyes at.
I'm burnt. O yea -prom.
Well it was alright. The prom part. I had more fun at Cayla's house after prom than I did at prom. Sparks man I love those drinks. It was weird how one guy had ONE spark and was slurring, two girls had 2 and were drunk, god another had 4 and ended up throwingup and then I had about 2 and was just "feel good tipsy" We were taking sobriety tests and this guy was drinking out of Cayla's pool..and there were titties and skinny dipping..and this one guy was talking about God the whole night. I mostly like how I wasnt sober but I wasnt drunk but pretty much everyone else was and I was the one that had control. They were the crazy ones HAHAHA..but I didnt like being the one that cleaned up the hot dogs that girl puked up. That was pretty gross. And at prom..well the dancing was fun but other than that I don't understand what the big deal is. The DJ sucked the set up was nice tho, the food was alright and there were cops and I hate cops but I didnt care cus I was sober at the prom. Rednecks cant dance for shit.

Tomorrow is a good skip day which is what I'll be doing. Friday I have school obligations. Saturday night a good party is suppose to go down. Sunday I might be hungover..lol. Then after that I have to find somwhere to stay for summer and get a job..or head back up to vermont. I havent decided..Its the first time that I have thought twice about going home cus usually I already have a plane ticket